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Sign Language: It’s time for Capricorns to learn pole dancing
Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21) I was poised to type your horoscope when a falling yellow leaf blew in the open window and landed under my fingers on the keyboard, prompting me to rethink exactly how I was...
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Sign Language: Virgos Will Be Able To See In Infrared This Week
Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21) Each astrological sign is a sort of reaction to the one preceding it. Thus, in many ways, they’re like opposites. But because they’ve just been there, each tribe has a pretty...
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Sign Language: Cancers need to stop picking at that scab already
Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21) Just because you get your kicks from pornographic playing cards, pranks, and dirty jokes doesn’t mean you’re immature. You’ve simply never forgotten how to play. Sadly, there...
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Sign Language: Your MauiTime Horoscope
Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20) Watch The Fly, because it’s a perfect example of how a tiny inconsistency, imperfection, or error can blow up into a huge catastrophe this week. Disaster is wholly...
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Sign Language: Your MauiTime Horoscope
Aries (March 21-April 19) Dear friend: You have been selected from millions of possible candidates to participate in The Game. From the moment you put down this paper, you must understand that every...
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Your MauiTime Horoscope
Here’s this week’s horoscope, which is pretty good for everyone, except you Cancers. You’ll see why… Taurus (April 20-May 20) I’m worried about you, Taurus. In recent months, you’ve really come into...
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Your MauiTime Horoscope
Taurus (April 20-May 20) The other night, I dreamt I was directing a new horror movie called Noise, about a house that killed people using sound. I woke up loving the idea of a supernatural, conscious...
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Your MauiTime Horoscope
Taurus (April 20-May 20) You’re consistent; I’ll give you that—which is why many of your friends will be surprised when you do an attitude-about-face this week. The source of your sudden...
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Your Maui Horoscope
Taurus (April 20-May 20) You’re as multi-layered as an onion, as fresh as a new apple, and as nutritious and good for those around you as broccoli. Too bad most people lately have been focusing on the...
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Are Leos Becoming Virgos? and Other Cosmic Questions From Sign Language
Gemini (May 21-June 20) You may wish you could just hit SAVE this week, in real life instead of on your computer. That way you could start over if things went sour. I wish you could, too. You’re at...
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Your Maui Horoscope
Gemini (May 21-June 20) A little more than a decade ago, artist Taryn Simon created a work entitled The Innocents, documenting the lives of people who served time for crimes they didn’t commit. In it,...
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Your Maui Horoscope
Gemini (May 21-June 20) The hens have finally come home to roost. Okay, they haven’t yet arrived, but you can see them on the horizon, clucking and pecking and working their way back to the coop. So...
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Your Special Horoscope
Cancer (June 21-July 22) At first, when parts of your world started running backwards, it was an awkward transition. How to resolve this clock with that one, running in reverse? (Forget arriving on...
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Your Super Special Maui Horoscope
Cancer (June 21-July 22) Things get tricky when you live in an economy of scarcity. Sharing—of anything; love, food, your bed—becomes nigh unto impossible when you believe there won’t be enough to...
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Your Super Special MauiTime Horoscope
Cancer (June 21-July 22) Make life easier on yourself. You’re just clinging to that irritating behavior out of stubbornness. You know that most of those you adore find that habit annoying, and—if...
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Your Special MauiTime Horoscope
Cancer (June 21-July 22) You often get the front seat to various minor soap operas, and let’s face it; you enjoy it. It can be fun to watch other people freak out, screw each other or screw each other...
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Your MauiTime Horoscope
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22) Whoa. I’m getting a tan just standing next to you. Putting out this much shine must really be straining the fusion reaction that is your heart. However, don’t shut it down. Those...
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Your Super Accurate MauiTime Horoscope!
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22) No matter what happens, you seem to retain an enviable sense of humor, and a consequent ability to have fun. Even when dark and heavy shit goes down, you manage to see the funny...
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Your MauiTime Horoscope
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22) Don’t get lazy on me now. Lately you’ve been living your life in broad strokes, and sort of glossing over the details, or pretending to postpone them ‘til later. That’s lame....
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Your MauiTime Horoscope
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22) This week is going to suck. Not because anything bad will happen, per se. Quite the opposite; some very sweet things are likely to head your way. It’ll suck, rather, because the...
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Your MauiTime Horoscope
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22) Consider this excerpt from Shockheaded Peter, a cautionary children’s book, as sung by the Tiger Lillies: “Fidgety fidgety fidgety Phil….he won’t sit still…he rocks backwards...
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Sign Language: Aquarians Should Shut Up
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22) Self-promote this week. Usually you’re too shy, humble, or diplomatic to engage in this kind of behavior, but sometimes it’s the only way to let people know what you’re about...
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Sign Language: It’s Time For Sagittarians To Hang With Crack Whores
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22) You’re the host(ess) with the most(est), or you ought to be, this week. Don’t even think about leaving your house, except to dash out to pick up more vegetarian...
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Sign Language: Capricorns must control their monkey minds
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22) Virgos like things clean, especially things that are (unfortunately) prone to be messy, like relationships. Many a Virgo has killed her intimate connections with a compulsive...
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Sign Language: Libras need to listen more to Mary Poppins
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22) Let Mary Poppins advise: “In every job that must be done, there is an element of fun. Find that fun and snap! The job’s a game!” When it comes to work, your scales are way out...
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Sign Language: Libras are weird because they’re so normal
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22) I’m too bored to write you a proper horoscope this week. You’re just too damn normal. Your scales are so in synch that there’s nothing for people to latch onto. Where are the...
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Sign Language: Geminis Should Be Careful Crossing The Street
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22) Pay attention to the little things. This week will be rife with subtle, significant changes, but unless you’re prepared to notice them, they’ll pass you right by. If you’re...
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Sign Language: Aries is finally the belle of the ball
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22 You won’t know you’ve been meandering along the scenic route to your destination until you step off of it, onto a faster path. This involves a bit of rethinking: What exactly...
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Sign Language: Virgos should really watch more ‘Top Chef’
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22) It’s always feast or famine, right? Whether you’re hunting for a job, lover, or anything else that matters to you, it’s sometimes hard to find that perfect, much-sought-after...
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Sign Language: There is no better week for Libras to get that tattoo of a...
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22) Although superficially Leos can often seem high-maintenance, fragile, and even prissy, you’re actually arguably the strongest sign in the zodiac. When push comes to shove, you...
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Sign Language: Capricorns might want to borrow someone’s deodorant this week
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22) It’s supposed to be good luck to fold 1,000 origami cranes in a year. I’m giving it a try. Someone gave me a stack of fancy paper and whenever I have a minute I fold it into a...
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Interview with Maui Surfer Buzzy Kerbox – April 14, 1998
Lured in by a cover of a Beach Boy’s album, Buzzy Kerbox was introduced to the life of surfing at an early age. Born far away from his favorite backdoor barrel in a city called Indianapolis, his...
View ArticleSign Language: It’s up to Libras to free those poor people chained up in the...
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22) Virgos either think too much or do too much. Usually, you come to the conclusion early on in life that doing is less dangerous and more useful than thinking, so you tend to...
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Sign Language: Geminis shouldn’t worry about that strange smell
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19) Just as a migratory bird returns to the same spots each year, its route based on memorized landmarks it learned from its predecessors, you’ve been a creature of habit on a...
View ArticleSign Language: Leos should really have a doctor look at that thing. It’s not...
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19) There’s no recipe for the perfect marriage, or ideal child-rearing. Following one formula can only get you so far; individual variances are likely to screw you up along the...
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Sign Language: Geminis shouldn’t hide under the bed for at least a few more days
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21) What if your parents learned about many of the things you do (or have done)? Embarrassing! But that’s only because their value systems are comically outdated, right?...
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Sign Language: Libras need to just shrug off their failures and move on
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21) There’ll be no deus ex machina here. You won’t find a magic talisman that’ll save your ass. Nor will anyone swoop in to rescue you; in fact, those around you who might be...
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Sign Language: Geminis are spiritual cyborgs
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21) We’re used to rooting for David, not Goliath. We identify more easily with the underdog, which is why you’re probably a bit bewildered to find yourself in a position of...
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Sign Language: This weekend Pisces gets to indulge in unrealistic romance
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21) If you were a door-to-door salesperson this week, you’d make a bloody fortune. You can talk anyone into anything right now. Go ahead and convince the bartender to give...
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Sign Language: Scorpios picked a bad week to start cheating on their spouses
Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21) Your fantasy world is about to intersect your real life. Sadly, I don’t mean that Benedict Cumberbatch or Jennifer Lawrence plans on visiting your bedroom this evening....
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Sign Language: For once, things are actually all about you, Gemini. Eat it up...
Gemini (May 21-June 20) You may believe it’s egotistical to think it’s all about you, but that all depends on whether it’s your delusion or the reality. This week, it’s the reality. There are enough...
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Sign Language: Time to explore your ‘stinky self,’ Aquarius
Gemini (May 21-June 20) The sun doesn’t change signs exactly on midnight on the dates listed next to the signs in this column. Rather it varies by a number of hours every year. You could be born on...
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